That is totally normal! Open, vulnerable feedback conversations are something that most of us don't participate in very often. We've got some tips designed to ease your anxiety and make this conversation positive and productive.
Remember what it's like to ask for feedback. As you wait to hear what the other person is going to say, what do you feel? Curiosity, numbness…dread? Asking for feedback is an exercise in vulnerability. There's literally no way to anticipate what the other person is going to say so you're opening yourself up to the unknown. As you prepare to share your feedback through your assessments and comments, consider that this is likely how the person who asked you for feedback is feeling. If you’re giving feedback to your direct supervisor or someone in a position of authority, it can feel exceptionally intimidating. We have special content created specifically for this in ‘How to Give Feedback to Your Boss.’
Often, when asked for feedback, the first thing that comes to mind is an instance from the past. However, sharing feedback about past performance or events isn't always helpful. Hear me out...when you focus your feedback on a past event, the person you're sharing with can't do a single thing to improve or correct that situation. That can easily result in feelings of helplessness and frustration. "Okay, I did that wrong...now what do I do with this information?" Keeping feedback future-focused allows the receiver to receive basically the same information but in a way that allows them the opportunity to use that information to do better! It gives the receiver of the information a feeling of hope for improvement or enhanced performance in the near future.
Example 1:
"With our last project, the team wasn't clear on expectations, which caused rework and extended deadlines."
"In the future, an alignment meeting to clarify expectations and roles at the start of a project would help us stay on track and reduce rework."
Example 2:
You approved the contract for Computers R Us, and after I moved forward, you tried to make some changes that resulted in us losing the account.
I'd like to work together to refine our contract approval process so that, in the future, once approved, I have assurance that we’ve covered everything, and I can move forward with the customer.
This is important because it allows the requestor to set boundaries and prepare themselves to really hear the information you share. All healthy relationships allow for boundaries – so this is a really good thing! After all, when is the last time forcing feedback worked in anyone's favor? You may have additional feedback of your own that you'd like to share and it's perfectly acceptable to ask to share that information after you've given feedback around the information requested. It's also up to the requestor to decide whether they want to hear that additional feedback now, later...or ever. The consequence of saying no to your additional feedback is that the requestor will lose out on information that you feel is important or helpful. Without this information they may have blind spots in performance or relationships that could be better if they had known. The benefit of saying no is that if the receiver is not ready for new, unexpected information saying no is a healthy option. It helps preserve your relationship and they can always come back and ask for that feedback or you can request to share at another time.
'Constructive feedback' has earned a bad reputation over the years. It's become known as a way of talking about 'what you did wrong' or 'what you could do better'. Sign me up for one of those conversations...NOT! In truth, all feedback should be constructive and include positive, neutral, and harder-to-hear stuff. With thoughtfulness and intention, you can likely generate some well-rounded feedback. Ultimately, if you try to come up with balanced feedback but your truth and your perspective slant more toward what can be improved – provide future-focused feedback and lead with compassion and empathy. It's a magic formula.
Future-focused feedback + compassion + empathy = set up for a good conversation
You might be asked for feedback on an area where you don't feel knowledgeable or haven't seen the person perform enough to offer an informed perspective. It's okay to say that - and ask permission to share other information if you'd like.
Did you just shut down your laptop? Turn off your phone? Come baaaaack! This is understandably an intimidating thing. It can be uncomfortable to share your perspective because you don't know how the other person will react. Even if you think you know – you can't REALLY know unless you're vulnerable enough to have the conversation. And remember, the person who requested the information is likely feeling as vulnerable and uncertain as you are. See the list below for why we insist on this verbal feedback step.
•• Allow you to share your thoughts and perspectives clearly.
• Allow the receiver to ask questions and clarify.
• Ensure that you are both mindful of not only the content but the relationship.
• Open the door for further conversations.
• You'll gain information about whether you’re communicating effectively or if you'd like to adjust.
• You'll have the opportunity to strengthen your empathy and compassion
• No matter what type of feedback you have to share, you can build relationships and partnerships through the conversation.
As you move through the process we will be here, providing tools and resources to support you. Yes, conversations can be scary or difficult, and as you practice and gain knowledge and experience, you build the skills to make the next one easier. Think about it - how often do you have feedback or other important conversations? Once a month? Once a year? Have avoided it this long and not planning on starting now? No matter what level you're at, we can help. With practice, you'll be a conversation pro in no time!
