Some people might remember a positive, safe conversation, but for many of us, emotionally unsafe conversations are the ones that often we can most clearly remember.
Emotional safety is an important part of Open360TM because inherently feedback conversations are vulnerable. If you're receiving feedback, someone is going to tell you something that you may not already know and it's important that you're able to feel like you can be present, as your complete, wonderful, imperfect self for the conversation. If you're the one giving feedback you may be sharing something that the other person doesn't enjoy hearing or even want to know and risk being present for an unpleasant or unexpected emotional reaction.
• You feel respected.
You can say what you need to say and speak your truth in a respectful way. Your perspective is something that doesn’t feel threatening but is instead welcomed, even if the other person disagrees.
• You're able to create boundaries for yourself.
You can express what you do and don't want in that moment, what you are and are not able to handle, and your boundaries are respected and honored.
• You are extended grace and goodwill.
You are met with generosity, and if you make a mistake (which we all do) you sense that there's grace and space to recover.
• You can be with someone who is trustworthy, compassionate, and working to create a safe space for you but in a certain moment or a certain day, you don't feel safe.
Maybe you're not very forgiving of your own self that day or maybe you've had a rough morning and are just generally on edge. It's okay to honor those feelings and understand that safety also comes from within.
You never totally know. It's like assurance that it won't rain on a sunny day. It can look bright, it can look calm, and an unanticipated storm could roll through. Emotional safety is similar - all the conditions can be there for a safe environment and in a moment something could change. That's okay. And it means that you need to evaluate where you are and what you want to do next.
You might be with somebody who's self-aware and healthy enough to be able to tell you that they're just not feeling safe in this moment. At that point you may focus on the safety issue and talk it through or pause the conversation to revisit later (we have some tips in the Recovery section on how to do that). If you're not with somebody who's able to do that yet, here are some things that you can look for:
• Body language.
Ex: Somebody who's been making eye contact with you during the conversation is all the sudden looking down or to the side and not really engaging with you in the same way.
• Tone of voice.
Ex: The other person’s voice becomes louder or softer and you notice a significant change in their tone during the conversation.
• Restricted expression.
You're having open dialogue with each other and then responses become short or clipped.
1. Verbally express that you want to create a safe environment.
Just saying that you want to create a safe environment doesn't make it so, but it does share your intent and demonstrate that you're aware of it's importance. Ex: 'I want this to be a safe place for us to have this conversation'. Ask “What would be helpful for me to know or do right now to make this a safe space for our conversation?” It prompts the other person to share information on the front end that promotes an easier, more positive conversation.
2. Know your limits and set boundaries.
An important part of the Open360TM process is your ability to set boundaries and consent to the information you are going to receive. The conversation structure in the Open360TM platform is designed to help you do this. First, you can choose the feedback you're comfortable receiving, letting you set boundaries and feel safe during the conversation. Second, our 15-minute verbal feedback sessions act as a safety net. If the conversation goes well, you can always schedule a follow-up or continue. But if you begin to feel flooded or anxious or it feels vulnerable to be having this conversation, you know that you only need to stay present and 'flex your feedback muscle' for a limited amount of time. Then, you can have some space to think and unwind and schedule another conversation in the future if you'd like. What other limits or boundaries do you need to set? Think it through prior to the conversation and be willing to share at the start!
3. Be aware of your patterns and triggers.
Think back to your past experience. What do you tend to do when you're feeling angry, anxious, or overwhelmed? What usually happens RIGHT BEFORE you notice feeling this way - can you identify any patterns? Understanding what your triggers might be going into the conversation will help clue you in to the moments where you’re likely to become more reactive than responsive. Those will be indicators for you to really bring awareness to what you say and do next.
4. If possible, stay in the moment and state what you need.
If you're having a conversation with someone and you notice that your reaction is significant or may adversely impact you or the relationship, ask for a moment to pause.
Stop. Breathe. Consider what you need.
Using intentional pause is a great way to stay present during a feedback conversation while giving yourself space and time to consider how you want to proceed. Ex: “I really appreciate what you're telling me and I just need a moment to pause - would that be okay?”
5. Have a plan for when you become emotionally charged or overwhelmed.
When you're feeling emotionally charged or overwhelmed - those are high-value, high-risk moments in the conversation. What you choose to do when you're in that state can have a big impact on your conversation and your relationship. One option is to ride out the feelings while not acting on them. You can feel ALL the discomfort, knowing that it will pass and the conversation will be over soon. This may not be the best option if you're so focused on your feelings that you're struggling to listen or if you are at risk of acting on those feelings. The alternative is to respectfully end the conversation with an identified to re-engage (usually within a few days). This allows both you and your feedback partner to step back, calm your nervous system, and learn more about how you communicate and respond.
So here's where it gets tricky - because feedback conversations can be uncomfortable, it's likely that, at some point, you'll feel emotionally unsafe. Using the exit strategy often can lower your chances of working through the discomfort to gain self-awareness, confidence, and growth on the other side. But remaining in a conversation while you're emotionally charged or overwhelmed can lead to reactivity and saying something that's damaging to the relationship or that you will regret. Only you can determine the right next move for you.
You will NOT do it perfectly. You WILL make mistakes. So will your feedback partners. None of us would survive the scrutiny of ourselves or others if perfection was the goal. Instead, we can be proud that we have the courage to show up, to listen (even when it's difficult), to learn from our experiences and mistakes. Grace and compassion, extended inward and outward, are essential components for healthy, safe conversations.
Emotional safety, in the context that we're discussing here, is relative. The information and tips here are meant to help you navigate new environments and conversations in a way that sets you and your partners up for success. However, there are many forms of abuse that happen inside and outside of workplaces, including but not limited to bullying, harassment, and discrimination. If you feel that your feedback partner's comments, behavior, or demeanor are abusive, end the conversation. Reach out to your direct leader or HR - someone you trust, for help. EVERYONE deserves to be treated with kindness, dignity, and respect.
